the addendum continued

When did finding comfort in myself translate into seeking solitude?

I did see the boy that broke up with me while I was abroad today. And I won’t lie, despite my new seemingly nonchalant demeanor and disregard for stress these days (the result of my lasting Euro high), I still felt a smidge of apprehension about the whole thing.
But then I experienced the same exact feeling I experienced in Rome, when an individual I had met in Greece discussed the possibility of flying out to meet me there under a romantic pretense.

I have this image in my head where the next man I choose to let in my life stands tall, attentive, heartfelt, and strong– and it’s an image I refuse to let go of or alter now. In my heart, I know what I deserve and I what desire. And so to that end, when the individual I had met in Greece admitted to having feelings for me, and I myself encouraged it by flirting, I simultaneously felt interest, and the rush of an emotion I have yet to label. All I can say is that a large part of me wanted this person to remain where they were… because I didn’t want them. Not in that way. I wanted them as a friend.

And so today, as the boy that broke up with me while I was abroad sat across a table from me and discussed the happenings of his life… I felt myself ease into the comfort of friendship. Which is what he asked for. And for as ridiculous as it sounds, what I found myself agreeing to in between a healthy chant of asshole. Because the romantic feelings I had thought had lingered, had shifted into platonic ones. I no longer felt the rush of emotion I used to feel when in his presence, but rather a comfortable sense of content which I’m sure he himself reciprocated.

I surprised myself with that one though, because I never truly valued myself as an individual enough to believe that I could succeed and stand alone. For years, I had depended upon the person next to me; the image of myself in my head always existed with a shape shifting man next to me.

But today that changed; the image in my head was of a single soul standing alone. Tall. Proud.Victorious.

So here’s to the man I dated, becoming the first man I blatantly called an asshole, becoming my friend.

 

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